“I fell in love. Years had been spent building a friendship and relationship. We had ups and downs, we learned and grew. We had built a life together. We experienced firsts, loss, and celebrations together. That was my person. I could tell him anything, trust him with anything, and rely on him to be there no matter what. Relationships aren’t easy, but I felt so happy, so at peace, so whole. I saw other people struggling and breaking up. I believed what we had was rare. We did everything together. Over eight years we truly knew each other. We were relationship goals to many other people.

In a moment, the life I thought I had, had been shattered and turned upside down.
The person that I trusted the most and expected to protect and care for me was the very person that hurt me, leaving me in a state of incomprehension.

We had gotten engaged six months earlier. We were planning our wedding. We booked the venue, a beach wedding like I always wanted. I had asked my friends to be my bridesmaids and sent out save the date cards. My heart sunk when I saw that message notification at the top of my phone.  "Are you engaged to be married to him?  He’s been meeting me at hotels". I responded that it was sick to try and sabotage what we had together, I couldn't believe this to be true. But then she described exactly what he had on. 

He was my best friend. I was the happiest I had ever been...we had ever been, right? How could he do this to me? I looped everything back in my head. Where did I go wrong? How didn't I know? What is wrong with me? Why wasn't I good enough? As if it’s not bad enough that my mind wouldn't shut off replaying this nightmare, I tried to sleep to escape just to be awoken with night terrors.

I was losing control. I started drinking every day just to numb myself and feel nothing. But when I woke up I would just feel ten times worse. I remember leaving the bar one faded night. Driving back to my new, empty apartment I wailed like my soul was leaving my body. I lost track of time. I couldn’t escape the pain that I was reliving every day. Being sober meant facing the pain, not numbing to avoid it.

Months had passed. People were showing interest in me. I missed companionship but I didn't trust anyone. I overanalyzed and question everything. I didn't know how to identify a real threat anymore. I pushed them away. I couldn't stop even if I wanted to because my brain had physically changed the way it reacted to situations and was always on edge, fight, or flight. The way it learned to protect itself was to its very detriment.

The trauma response I was suffering from, similar to PTSD, was called Post Infidelity Stress Disorder.”