” Last September, I went through a bad breakup with the woman I loved (remaining nameless for privacy, if you know you know). It was a terrible breakup because Covid drove a wedge between us.  We couldn't see each other and so I ended it figuring, whatever, it's fine, I'll find someone else.  I drove myself into my work in order to distract myself and figured if I made a lot of money, I would be happy regardless of whether I was with someone or not.

Only now am I realizing my terrible mistake.  Society in America tends to view men struggling with mental health issues as something that must be endured in silence so I never addressed it or brought it up.  I just buried my feelings and threw myself deeper into my job in the film business.  But when the work in Richmond finally ended, I realized how much of a mistake I'd made and how much I missed her, and still miss her.

For the past month, I've been in a deep depression which I thought would pass, but a few nights ago, I had a nightmare that shook me.  I dreamed of my ex hanging from a noose dead and I woke up sweating and crying.  At that moment, I knew I needed help.  I spoke to my closest friends and they all agreed that this isn't just my September break up.  I'm still carrying the guilt and PTSD of Jinx Wintersteen's death.  It's been buried for so long and my mind merged the two, telling me that I needed to talk to someone about this.

I've been crying for four days straight, I've barely eaten, and sleep maybe three hours a night.  I've attempted to reach out to my ex but she has restricted her social media from me. Not blocked or deleted, just restricted, which gives me hope that we can someday make amends because I made a terrible mistake.  I put money ahead of the ones I loved and now I'm paying for it.

Were it not for the encouragement of my close friends, Seth, Erin, Charles, Melissa, and Rebecca, as well as my own mother, I wouldn't be seeking counseling.  I will be getting a counselor soon to help work out my mental issues and straighten myself out.  I've carried this pain for so long and the flood gates just opened all at once.  My ex has since moved on to someone else and that's okay.  She's happy and I want her to be happy. I just hope that someday we can make amends because no matter what I will always love her with every fiber of my being.  But I made a mistake based on poor judgement and I'm now paying for it.  That nightmare of her dead swinging from a rope broke something in me and I now know that the trauma I've been holding on to hasn't receded.

If you're a man, it's okay to discuss your feelings.  You don't have to carry your burdens alone. Talk to your friends and family.  Take time for them.  Don't work yourself to death.  Force yourself to stop and settle for a moment.  I've made a new work rule for myself.  From now on, in the film business, I no longer work weekends.  That is my rule.  I will never work a sixth day again.  If me not working a sixth day is too much for a best boy to handle, then I'd rather be fired.  I'm at a point where I'd rather be happy than rich.  The film business is built to break people, and for the last ten years it's taken so much from me.  So many lost relationships and broken promises all for a paycheck.

I know Covid was the main culprit of my break up.  My case in that regard isn't special.  But I could have been more patient and just waited for her.  I could have just held out a little longer and things might have turned a corner.  But at the time I was rash and abrasive and just tired.  I will regret that choice for the rest of my life.  I don't know if she will read this post, or if she even thinks about me, but I just hope she is happy with the man she is with now.  I will finally be getting help to achieve the mental clarity I desperately need.

And if you are reading this, just know that I'm so sorry for the pain I caused.  You were the best thing that ever came into my life and I miss you."